A Running List of Our Favorite Dad Jokes

Aug 12, 2020 | Humor

When does a joke become a Dad joke?
Once it becomes apparent.

There are so many great dad jokes, but I hadn’t always keep track of the ones that make me chuckle. So here is a curated list – it will grow. If you want to contribute, by all means, send an email to dadjokes@reyes.wine 

 

Speaking of  dads, some of you know I’ve gained a little weight since the kids arrived. Don’t call it a “dad-bod.” I prefer the term father figure.

TRADITIONAL DAD JOKES
  • Whats my book club going to discuss this week? Not sure but its gonna be lit
  • Whats the body temperature of a tautaun? Lukewarm
  • When is a door, not a door? When it’s a jar
  • What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One’s really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
  • My friend gave me a elephant for my birthday. I said thanks. He said don’t mention it.
  • I was out walking my dog in the park when the ducks came over and started to eat it. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
  • How does one give up bread during Lent? You don’t knead it.
  • What’s the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle, and a well-dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.
  • Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay they would be called bagels.
  • Why do chicken coups only have two doors Because if they had four doors, they’d be chicken sedans.
  • Guy walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder. Bartender says “What’s his name”? Guy say, “Tiny”. Bartender asks “Why do you call him that”? Guy replies, “Because he’s my newt“.
  • When you boil a funny bone, you get laughing stock. That’s humerus.
  • Why aren’t there any dad jokes about gasoline? They’d be too crude.
  • Speaking of crude… why don’t turkeys go to church? Because they use fowl language.
  • Speaking of meat, why is it risky to use “beefsoup” as an online password? Because it’s not stroganoff.
  • Speaking of soup, what do you call a kangaroo that enjoys a good broth? A more-soup-ial.
  • What kind of factory makes decent products? A satisfactory.
  • Another name for IRONMAN is FE-MALE. This joke isn’t for everyone.
  • Justice is a dish best serviced cold. Otherwise, it’s Justwater.
  • How do you make American grate again? Ban pre-shredded cheese.
  • When someone asks for sparkling, give them still water. When they say “Hey, this isn’t sparkling” you can respond “It’s still water!”
  • When should you go on a cheese diet? When you need to cheddar few pounds.
  • Didn’t you know that diarrhea is hereditary? Yes, it runs in your jeans!
  • Potty jokes aren’t my all-time favorite kind of jokes… but they are a solid #2
  • What did the vegetarian say right after she stopped eating meat? Darn, this is a big missed steak
  • What did the dad say when he put the car in reverse? Ahhh…. this takes me back.
  • A Roman Centurion walks into a bar and orders a martinus. “You mean martini?” replies the bartender. “If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for it” he replies. – Contributed by newly minted MW William Lowe, 2020

  • How do sesquepedalians get into the mood? engage in wordplay

  • My friend has a high water bill  – I sent him a get well card soon.

  • The only thing that flat-earthers have to fear is sphere itself

  • Never trust atoms. They make up everything!

  • A ship that keeps going off the deep end probably needs anchor management classes

  • I taught a wolf how to meditate. now it’s aware wolf

  • Why do bicycle riders understand humanity the best? because they are cycologists.

  • How do Windmills feel about renewable energy? They are big fans!

  • Funniest kind of fish taco? Baja

  • What’s a vacationer’s favorite mexican food? Fish tahoe

     

2020 PUN-DEMIC JOKES
  • Normally I like hanging out with positive people. However this year, I prefer those who are negative.
  • What do you call a Mexican that ran out of toilet paper? A His-panic
  • My family did, in fact, run out of toilet paper in May. We had to use newspaper instead. Man, the Times were rough.
  • During April & May this year, I had to temporarily stop telling dad jokes. For safety, I switched to only sharing inside jo
  • I am working on a new COVID-19 joke, but less than 90% of you won’t get it.
  • No matter how bad it gets, we cannot let this year come to an end. Otherwise, 2021.
  • Rumor has it Gallo might create a new brand commemorating 2020. If so, I bet they’re calling it Gallo’s Humor.
  • What is the longest word in the English dictionary? Smiles, because there’s a mile betwee the first S and second S.

  •  Most effective adhesive against Covid-19? Masking tape 

WINE-BASED DAD HUMOR

Note the following jokes are all in pour taste….

  • You might have heard about Bruce Lees speed, but did you know he has a younger brother, Suddenly? and a racy sister, Chablis.
  • When life gives you lemons you make lemonade, so when life gives you melons do you make muscadet?
  • What did the Burgundy collector say as he polished off the last sip of DRC while his team scored? La Tache down!
  • What do you call a hospitality expert from Vallee de La Marne? A Somm Meunier
  • It might take a village to raise a child, but it takes acidity to raise a wine.
  • How does a dad joke become a Wine Joke? When it becomes a Musigny obscure. 
  • This morning I got an email that Canada’s prime minister wants to join our wine club. Unbelievable. It’s Trudeau
  • Why is vintage port the most romantic wine? It gets sedimental real easily.
  • My Six-year-old requested Chenin Blanc for her next birthday. “Why?” I asked. “Because I’ll be Savennieres old!” she responded.
  • I just made the best non-alcoholic wine ever. Just don’t ask me to show you a bottle. There’s no proof!
  • I also developed a GMO grape variety that produces anti-antidiuretic wine – The grape is called Pinot More
  • What do you call a hospitality wine expert from Vallee de la Marne?  A somm meunier
  • What do you call a Prosecco producer during their first vintage? An Amateur-secco.
  • What do you get when you pair Mexican food with red Burgundy? A jala-pinot.
  • Why did our vineyard manager wine the “best viticulturist award” in California? Because he was out standing in the field
  • Why are the forklift workers at any winery always smiling? Because it’s uplifting work.
  • If Mosel winemakers seem content to you, it’s because they have many good Rieslings to be happy.
  • What do you call a winery toilet that flushes hot during the day and cold during the night? – A di-urinal
  • Why do Tuscan vineyards make everyone smile? Because they’re hill areas.
  • What’s an elephant’s favorite wine? Anything Tuscan.
  • What region makes wines that pair with any kind of sauce? Alsace.
  • What do you call a tribute band from Penedès? A Cava band.
  • Saumur-Champigny is often lumped-in with Bourgueil. Apparently some people think they’re Chinon-yms
  • What do Spaniards say when the French claim Grenache is originally theirs? That’s Gar(nacha) grape!
  • I decided to make a premium box-wine that’s a blend of Cabernet, Merlot, and Malbec. I’m calling it Card-Bordeaux.
  • That worked so well, now I’m going to make a Chardonnay packaged as a premium box-wine. That one’s called Carton-Charlemagne.
  • Now I hear the Champenois might launch a promotion for alternative packaging too. That would be a great can-pagne.
  • What kind of Austrian dad joke give you the best full-body workout? Groaner Felt Leaner.
  • My friend went to a natural wine bar last night and told me they had a significant selection of German wines. Mostly the Pfalz, he said.
  • Which animal is most likely to be owned by a natural wine enthusiast?  A pet gnat.
  • This morning I woke up early to catch the famous Napa Valley fog before it burned off. Mist.
  • Speaking of Napa, did you hear about the guy who tasted every single lot during the NVV Auction in June? He barrel-y made it.
  • Sad part about wines from Switzerland…. they are expensive and hard to find. But at least their flag is a big plus.
  • How do you know when a Master Sommelier walks into a room? He’ll tell you.
  • How do you know when a Master of Wine walks into a room? She’ll deliver a thesis explaining all the reasons why she walked into this particular room. 
  • How do you know a winemaker walks into a room? They’ll make a joke in pour taste. 
  • But, when a vineyard manager walks in, you’ll just have to sulphur through it.
  • Why did the invisible man decide not to apply for either the MW or MS program? He couldn’t see himself doing them.
  • Winemakers are hard to please, especially during harvest, when they get really picky.
  • What’s the difference between God and a winemaker? God doesn’t think he’s a winemaker.
  • According to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
  • And, if you’re not part of the solution, you’ll just precipitate the problem.
  • Why is Syrah the “dad-bod” of wine? Whenever it shows up, we know the rotundone has arrived.
  • Considering the all-red appellation of Haut-Medoc, there’s nothing to white home about.
  • Why is Mevushal wine the fastest of all wines? Because it’s pasteurized before you know it.
  • What grape variety is the most obvious choice for making wine? Furmint.
  • On September 18th, my wife said “Hey, dear, it’s Grenache Day” Naturally I replied “Great, Cannonau drink it?” 
  • What is the ideal winery dog? A Boston Terroir. – credit to UNH Alums Molly & Paul C, and friends of Peter Paul
  • I hear you don’t like dessert wines.… botrytis first, then decide.
VISUAL HUMOR

 

KID JOKES (actual jokes in collaboration with my daughter (6 in 2020)
  • Why do cars have to stay six lengths apart?
    • So they don’t risk getting car-ona virus
  • Why do some people keep buying cars?
    • Because they have car-owner virus.
  • What’s the vegetable that never loses?
    • A beet
  • What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?
    • boobies
    • and the kind that swim instead of fly? Anchobees!
    • and the ones that don’t cost anything? Freebies!
  • What did the cow sound like during Halloween?
    • Moooo,  moooo, MOOOOOOH!!!!!
  • What’s the friendlies house in the neighborhood? 
    • House it going?
  •  Scariest mother during Halloween?
    • A Mummy
  •  Most edible dad ever?
    • Popcorn
  •  Juiciest color?
    • Orange

 

Spanish ones!

Cual es el vino mas amargo?  Vino mi suegra. – then…. Cual es el vino mas rico? Vino la pizza (Yes, Aria helped)

Cual es la lagartija mas tranquila? El dragon Komodo.

Cual es la fruta que siempre nos hace llegar tarde? Es pera.