When does a joke become a Dad joke?
Once it becomes a parent.

There are so many great dad jokes, but I don’t always keep track of the ones that make me chuckle. So here is a curated list – it will grow.

 

Speaking of  dads, some of you know I’ve gained a little weight since the kids arrived. Don’t call it a “dad-bod.” I prefer the term father figure.

TRADITIONAL DAD JOKES
  • What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One’s really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
  • My friend gave me a elephant for my birthday. I said thanks. He said don’t mention it.
  • I was out walking my dog in the park when the ducks came over and started to eat it. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
  • How does one give up bread during Lent? You don’t knead it.
  • What’s the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle, and a well-dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.
  • Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay they would be called bagels.
  • Why do chicken coups only have two doors Because if they had four doors, they’d be chicken sedans.
  • Guy walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder. Bartender says “What’s his name”? Guy say, “Tiny”. Bartender asks “Why do you call him that”? Guy replies, “Because he’s my newt“.
  • When you boil a funny bone, you get laughing stock. That’s humerus.
  • Why aren’t there any dad jokes about gasoline? They’d be too crude.
  • Speaking of crude… why don’t turkeys go to church? Because they use fowl language.
  • What did the vegetarian say right after she gave up eating meat?   Darn, this was a big missed steak.
  • Speaking of meat, why is it risky to use “beefsoup” as an online password? Because it’s not stroganoff.
  • Speaking of soup, what do you call a kangaroo that enjoys a good broth? A more-soup-ial.
  • What kind of factory makes decent products? A satisfactory.
  • Another name for IRONMAN is FE-MALE. This joke isn’t for everyone.
  • Justice is a dish best serviced cold. Otherwise, it’s Justwater.
  • How do you make American grate again? Ban pre-shredded cheese.
  • When someone asks for sparkling, give them still water. When they say “Hey, this isn’t sparkling” you can respond “It’s still water!”
  • When should you go on a cheese diet? When you need to cheddar few pounds.
  • Didn’t you know that diarrhea is hereditary? Yes, it runs in your jeans!
  • Potty jokes aren’t my all-time favorite kind of jokes… but they are a solid #2
  • What did the vegetarian say right after she stopped eating meat? Darn, this is a big missed steak
  • What did the dad say when he put the car in reverse? Ahhh…. this takes me back.

 

2020 PUN-DEMIC JOKES
  • Normally I like hanging out with positive people. However this year, I prefer those who are negative.
  • What do you call a Mexican that ran out of toilet paper? A His-panic
  • My family did, in fact, run out of toilet paper in May. We had to use newspaper instead. Man, the Times were rough.
  • During April & May this year, I had to temporarily stop telling dad jokes. For safety, I switched to only sharing inside jo
  • I am working on a new COVID-19 joke, but less than 90% of you won’t get it.
  • No matter how bad it gets, we cannot let this year come to an end. Otherwise, 2021.
  • Rumor has it Gallo might create a new brand commemorating 2020. If so, I bet they’re calling it Gallo’s Humor.
WINE-BASED DAD HUMOR
  • I just made the best non-alcoholic wine ever. Jus’t don’t ask me to show you a bottle. There’s no proof!
  • I also developed a GMO grape variety that produces anti-antidiuretic wine – The grape is called Pinot More
  • What do you call a hospitality wine expert from Vallee de la Marne?  A somm meunier
  • What do you call a Prosecco producer during their first vintage? An Amateur-secco.
  • What do you get when you pair Mexican food with red Burgundy? A jala-pinot.
  • Why did our vineyard manager wine the “best viticulturist award” in California? Because he was out standing in the field
  • Why are the forklift workers at any winery always smiling? Because it’s uplifting work.
  • If Mosel winemakers seem content to you, it’s because they have many good Rieslings to be happy.
  • What do you call a winery toilet that flushes hot during the day and cold during the night? – A di-urinal
  • Why do Tuscan vineyards make everyone smile? Because they’re hill areas.
  • What’s an elephant’s favorite wine? Anything Tuscan.
  • What region makes wines that pair with any kind of sauce? Alsace.
  • What do you call a tribute band from Penedès? A Cava band.
  • Saumur-Champigny is often lumped-in with Bourgueil. Apparently some people think they’re Chinon-yms
  • What do Spaniards say when the French claim Grenache is originally theirs? That’s Gar(nacha) grape!
  • I decided to make a premium box-wine that’s a blend of Cabernet, Merlot, and Malbec. I’m calling it Card-Bordeaux.
  • That worked so well, now I’m going to make a Chardonnay packaged as a premium box-wine. That one’s called Carton-Charlemagne.
  • Now I hear the Champenois might launch a promotion for alternative packaging too. That would be a great can-pagne.
  • What kind of Austrian dad joke give you the best full-body workout? Groaner Felt Leaner.
  • My friend went to a natural wine bar last night and told me they had a significant selection of German wines. Mostly the Pfalz, he said.
  • Which animal is most likely to be owned by a natural wine enthusiast?  A pet gnat.
  • This morning I woke up early to catch the famous Napa Valley fog before it burned off. Mist.
  • Speaking of Napa, did you hear about the guy who tasted every single lot during the NVV Auction in June? He barrel-y made it.
  • Sad part about wines from Switzerland…. they are expensive and hard to find. But at least their flag is a big plus.
  • How do you know when a Master Sommelier walks into a room? He’ll tell you.
  • How do you know when a Master of Wine walks into a room? She’ll demand you rephrase the question to “WHY do you know?” 
  • How do you know a winemaker walks into a room? They’ll make a joke in pour taste. (btw, check out www.inpourtastewine.com – that’s not a joke)
  • When a vineyard manager walks in, you’ll just have to sulphur through it.
  • Why did the invisible man decide not to apply for either the MW or MS program? He couldn’t see himself doing any of it.
  • Winemakers are hard to please, especially during harvest, when they get really picky.
  • What’s the difference between God and a winemaker? God doesn’t think he’s a winemaker.
  • According to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
  • And, if you’re not part of the solution, you’ll just precipitate the problem.
  • Why is Syrah the “dad-bod” of wine? Whenever it shows up, we know the rotundone has arrived.
  • Considering the all-red appellation of Haut-Medoc, there’s nothing to white home about.
  • Why is Mevushal wine the fastest of all wines? Because it’s pasteurized before you know it.
  • What grape variety is the most obvious choice for making wine? Furmint.
  • On September 18th, my wife said “Hey, Hon, it’s Grenache Day” Naturally I replied “Sweet, Cannonau drink it?” 
VISUAL HUMOR
KID JOKES (actual jokes in collaboration with my daughter (6 in 2020)
  • Why do cars have to stay six lengths apart?
    • So they don’t risk getting car-ona virus
  • Why do some people keep buying cars?
    • Because they have car-owner virus.
  • What’s the vegetable that never loses?
    • A beet
  • What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?
    • boobies
    • and the kind that swim instead of fly? Anchobees!

Spanish ones!

Cual es el vino mas amargo?  Vino mi suegra. – then…. Cual es el vino mas rico? Vino la pizza (Yes, Aria helped)

Cual es la lagartija mas tranquila? El dragon Komodo.